Tuesday, February 15, 2011

23 & 6

Today I am 23 weeks and 6 days.

This is the same day, almost 10 months ago that my sweet Smith was born.

Doctors orders aside, Jon and I have decided I should take is EXTRA easy over the next 2 weeks. We know that making it to 26 weeks is our first big hurdle. I'm not sure what taking it EXTRA easy really means because I feel like I do very little now, but I'm trying to rest more in bed and not get up and down so much. I'll probably go on fewer errands/outings and just try to sit tight without having a break down or major cabin fever (& I've had plenty of both)

Today feels special. Today feels hard. It's a day for me to cherish both my boys: The son I lost and the son I feel inside me. Today has also been a day for reflecting. I've been reflecting a lot on our time in the hospital, especially Smith's birth. It's all a dream and a nightmare, vivid and a blur, so very real and yet completely unreal. I like to take myself back to his birth because it helps me remember him. It helps me remember that I carried him inside me, fought as hard as I could to keep him safe and eventually gave him life, even if only for a short time.

I woke up in the night/morning on April 29th and knew the pain I was feeling was not a false alarm. We had experienced false alarm during my 11 days on bed rest at the hospital, but this was different. I knew it was time. Everything happened so fast. There was no time to give me medication. There was no time to prepare for what was to come. All I remember is being wheeled down the hall to labor and delivery repeating "The Lord is my Shepard" over and over again, "The Lord is my Shepard."

They moved me onto the table. I felt like nurses were everywhere. Jon held my hand. My doctor did a quick sonogram and before I knew it she was telling me to push. After only a few pushes he was here. I remember feeling him almost shoot out and I'm thankful. I'm thankful to have experienced that part of motherhood. So many days before he was born and after he was born I felt numb, which is why I'm glad I felt the raw process of Smith's birth, even though he was only 1 pound and 8 ounces.

The NICU team was already in place. They took him to the side of the room. I didn't know what was happening. They wrapped him up and showed me his face before taking him away. I remember how tiny it was. Jon went with Smith, while I begged for some medicine before finally falling asleep for the rest of the night.

Today, Gray is 23 weeks and 6 days old. He is tucked away, safe inside me, but I feel like I can see him so clearly.

And I can.

I can see his brother.


  1. Kori - it seems I jump on here on just the right days. Been counting down with you and celebrating the little one still in....and what a miracle little Smith was. I will hold you up with prayer, my friend. Each day, each week, is one step closer!

    Just read an amazing, life changable book - it would be a great way to spend the day(s). It's called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. Her blog is pretty amazing to read too: http://www.aholyexperience.com/


  2. Kori, you don't know me, but I went to high school with Lyric. I somehow came across her blog and thus yours. Please know we have been praying for you all. There are no possible words I can express for the loss of your firstborn. But please know that daily that this little one is being lifted up high, that he will be healthy and perfect. Jeremiah 29:11 has been my favorite verse through the adversity we have faced with our twins - and so we claim it for you & Jon today. And TAKE IT EASY :)))))

  3. such a beautiful post and reflection on your time with smith. i will never forget seeing your sweet baby in the hospital and marveling at how every minute of his precious life was a miracle. i look forward in joyful anticipation for meeting his little brother.

  4. beautiful post. I have been thinking of and praying for you knowing that you are just 4 weeks behind me and that this is a very scary and important part of pregnancy.
    I can't imagine all that you are feeling, but you put it so well. I'm so glad things are going well.