Remembering Smith

On April 29, 2011, Smith Randle Bailey was born. 2 years ago. And all too quickly, he was gone on May 10, 2011. 2 years ago. This year, we brought new flowers and Jon picked out a baseball to bring him on his birthday. (The little fire truck in the picture is from his first birthday last year. Can you believe it's still there?)

Gray was asleep in the car, so we walked over to the grave site just to two of us. We didn't stay long, but our time was sweet and somber. So many emotions fill my heart when I sit and reflect on the life and loss of my baby boy. I go through lots of "I wish I could haves" and "I should haves" but once I get control over my mind, I can reflect in peace about the joy my glorious child's life and death has brought me.

Smith made Jon and I parents for the first time. His fragile life and death have shaped every aspect of the parents we are today with Gray. Smith's life and death strengthened our marriage and restored my soul. It taught me so much about myself and so much about my faith. It taught me the Lord is always good. Even as tears stream down and sorrow engulfs my heart, He is good.

I love to see how Smith's short life touched the hearts of many. His life had such purpose and so did his death. The purpose may not always be clear or obvious and I may never be able to pinpoint it, but I can rest in knowing my God was, is and forever will be in control of my life.

I wish I had more time to get to know him.
I wish I could have held him before his last hours.
I wish I could have been more present.
I wish my body had not failed him.

But as I said before, when I can turn off my mind, I am reminded of the power of God's amazing grace.

It is by His grace that my heart was not hardened.
It is by His grace that I can proclaim He is good.
It is by His grace that I continue to put my trust in Him.
It is by His grace that I am set free.

Happy Birthday sweet angel baby. For you and the Lord have given me so much and I will cling to our love forever.