Friday, August 20, 2010

Smith's Due Date

Today, I would be 40 weeks pregnant. I would be pleasantly plump and round. Smith would be a chunky little baby, ready to take on the world. Instead, today I visited his grave.

This day has been looming over me for some time now. I didn't know how I would handle it. Would I lock myself away in our room and cry all day? Would I silently sit and let the anger of my loss brew inside me? Would I be fine, unaffected by the significance of this date? I guess, to an extent, I've felt all of the above.

I woke up, like every other morning. I drank coffee with Jon like every other morning. It was just like any other day. But it wasn't just any day. It was the day my baby boy was to be born.

After eating breakfast, Jon and I made our way to Smith's grave site. His grave really does sit in a beautiful place. Right next to a tree in the shade. The skies were so clear and blue, with a few big crisp white puffy clouds here and there. The wind was blowing. Several times I closed my eyes and let the wind rush over me. It was peaceful. It was comforting. It was heartbreaking.

Grief is complicated. I can feel sad, angry, thankful, guilty, comforted and deeply sorrowful all at the same time.

Today I was sad that I wasn't experiencing the miracle of birth followed by the pure joy of knowing, loving and raising my child. Sad that I would never watch Smith grow. I was sad that my life feels empty without my baby. I was sad that I'm not driving around in an SUV with my car seat in the back. I don't have a diaper bag packed with diapers, wipes, pacifiers, blankets and burp clothes. I'm sad and I mourn what should have been.

Today I was angry that this happened to us. Angry that God didn't protect us. Angry that I'm 27 years old and have buried a child. Angry I have to deal with insurance and designing my baby's headstone. Angry the room that once held a crib, baby clothes and bedding, is now bare with an empty, beautiful Pottery Barn Glider in the corner. Angry that instead of active, life-filled pictures of my son hanging around my house, I have pictures of my dead baby to cherish.

Today I was thankful. Thankful that I love of mighty, glorious God who knows what's best for me. Thankful that my God has a special purpose for my life and He had/has a special plan for Smith's life and death. I am thankful that through my suffering, God is drawing me closer to Him and is teaching me how to trust and suffer gracefully. Today I was thankful for my incredible husband, partner and friend. He is everything a husband is called to be and more. I'm thankful for my amazing family and friends who continue to lift us up in prayer and support us through this painful time. I'm thankful for the cards, texts and emails of sympathy and encouragement. We are truly blessed.

Today I felt guilty that is was my body that failed. I know it's not the truth, but sometimes it's hard to feel like I played some part in this tragedy. I feel guilty that because my body didn't function properly, Jon lost his son. Guilty that if only I had known and called my doctor sooner or not walked around so much or taken Tylenol or the migraine medicine my doctor authorized me to take Smith would be alive and well. Maybe if I loved God more, read his Word more often or prayed "better" Smith would be here today. (Again I know these are lies, but sometimes they're hard to ignore.)

Today I was comforted. Even though I sometime hate hearing, "You'll see Smith again someday," or "He's in a much better place", I know it's true. A lot of times those statements make me want to scream. I don't want to see him someday in Heaven, I want to see him NOW, hold him NOW, kiss him NOW! But when I can see past the hurt, I know that I WILL see him again one day and it will be an awesome reunion. I know that he is in a better place, far from the pain and suffering of this world. I am comforted that Jesus is watching over Smith. Jon likes to think that God must have given Smith an important job in heaven because he's so special! I think he's right!

Today I was filled with deep sorrow. My first born child is dead. There is so much I wanted for him, his life and our family. The deep hole in my heart will never be filled. Sure, life will get easier. Jon and I will slowly begin to feel more "normal" and life will be lived. We will laugh and enjoy new experiences and adventures. We will carry on and slowly begin to heal. But Smith took a part of me with him to heaven. A piece of my heart and soul are with my precious, beautiful son. I was his mother. He was my son. I will forever love him and ache to have him near. I am filled with the sorrow. I want my son!!!

Next, I want to describe our fighter, Smith Randle Bailey. Look forward to some uplifting posts to come...I promise not to completely depress you every time you stop by for a visit. Also, I will be introducing a new 4-legged friend:)

I want to thank you for reading. Thank you for caring for me, my family and most importantly, our sweet angel!!!!


  1. Kori- thank you for sharing your heart and soul. The emotions are real and raw. You have been on my mind a lot lately, and I am so grateful that you are at a place now where you can share him with all of us!

  2. To my dear, sweet friend,
    Your thoughts are precious and I cherish every word you have written. I feel I am able to catch a glimpse into your soul and a much-needed glimpse into your mind, your thoughts and your struggles. If you had 50 more posts like this, I would read every one in earnest, knowing that as I read each line, I was knowing you more fully.
    I cannot express to you how grateful I am you had the courage to put into words the suffering you have experienced and continue to experience. In a strange way, it has been a gift...

  3. Kori - I just read your post and it made me cry. I wonder why good people have to go through such horrible things. My heart aches for your loss especially since I couldn't imagine losing Hunter. The only thing I can think of is that something good will come out of all this. I know that sounds horrible to say that anything good could come out of losing a child but I have to believe that God has a plan.....or else I too am mad at him. I love you bunches - Betsy

  4. Thank you for this and for being YOU! Love you so much.