Longing for Smith

This is a significant week at our house. Smith was due to arrive this Friday, August 20th. Today, I can't help but think about what this week would have looked liked if Smith was still tucked away in my tummy.

When we found out Smith was due August 20th, I had already planned on asking my doctor if I could be induced on August 16th if I didn't go into labor sooner because it was my grandmother (Moms') Birthday! Moms and I were close and so alike. I thought it would be special and pretty cool if Smith and Moms had the same birthday. All that to say, today could have been the day. August 16th (or any day this week), I would be on my way to the hospital for the first time to give birth to my healthy baby boy.

I'm sure I would be nervous. Butterflies fluttering in my stomach all morning. I would be excited beyond belief, most likely talking 90 miles an hour about how amazing this life-changing experience would be!!! The anticipation of meeting our son and the joy of holding him in our arms would far outweigh the scariness of labor (Even though I would still be pretty adamant about getting my epidural on time). I would have my bags packed. Digital camera and video cameras charged, cute nursing/hospital gowns packed, the tiny baby blue and white stripped outfit and beanie we would take Smith home in and anything else I thought there would be the slightest chance I might need (I'm a chronic over-packer).

I would be huge, waddling my way down the Labor and Delivery hall. I would smile one of those gitty, little girl smiles knowing my dream of becoming a Mother would soon come true. I would be laughing and talking to my family and close friends who came by to visit, all the while working through the pain. Jon and I would pray for a safe delivery and before I knew it, my doctor would be telling me to push and Smith would be in my arms. He would be adorable, chunky and all mine! I would be exhausted I'm sure, a little overwhelmed and highly emotional, no doubt, but my dream would now be a reality.

But today, those nice thoughts are not my reality. Today I am reminded, just like every other day, that my dream did not come true. Yes, I am a mother and yes I knew my precious son for 12 days and loved him fiercely. But today, I am a Mother with no baby to hold. I have no sweet little nose to pinch or feet to kiss. I am a Mother with empty arms and a hole in my heart. Oh how I long for my precious baby boy. I want him. I need him and I feel so lost without him. My soul aches for my baby.

This is an especially difficult week. This week I will mourn the loss of my son and what should have been. Yet as I mourn and weep and suffer, I will do my best to give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! Even when it feels impossible, I will worship Him. He is my only hope.